Dimitri Vorontzov – Dark Courtship
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Dimitri Vorontzov – Dark Courtship PDF Two Seduction Strategies
There are only two strategies for seducing a woman. A man may invest considerable effort into overpowering her defense mechanisms by proving to her his masculine greatness and by hammering at her with his charm until she can no longer resist; or he may invest minimum effort into architecting a socio-psychological situation where a woman’s natural sexual drive (which is stronger than any man’s) is channeled properly into seduction.
We can do our best to seduce a woman or we can help her to seduce us.
Both ways work. It really makes no difference which strategy we use as long as it is successful.
In some situations active, persistent attack works best; in others, we might have to sit back and enjoy the ride.
There’s art in recognizing which strategy to use in what situation.
Gauging a woman’s character and her immediate responses is the key to seduction.
Of course you will find it easier to help a woman seduce you. In the courtship process this strategy should be used as much as possible. But sometimes you will have to use very aggressive seduction, which might require effort.
I want you to think about these two opposite strategies as “Lazy Way” and “Busy Way”.
Understanding the difference between them means understanding the core principle of seduction.
And if you understand the principles, you can improvise new techniques.
“Lazy” means, “I let her do all the work while I sit back and enjoy”, and “Busy” means, “I personally dismantle all her barriers and invest maximum effort in the seduction”.
“Lazy” means, “she seduces me”. “Busy” means, “I seduce her”.
Dimitri Vorontzov – Dark Courtship Preparing a Date
Explore your neighborhood and find all the bars and coffee shops and diners that you feel are cozy, unique and interesting enough to invite a woman to. You may even write down the specific “selling points” of each venue —things you will mention to her when you invite her out.
“There’s this little diner a few blocks away from where I live that looks like a medieval castle. I feel like sharing it with you”.
“There’s a place around the corner from where I live that has the coziest, comfiest chairs and darkest rooms I’ve seen in a bar. I’d like to take you there.”
“I know a bar in my neighborhood where a ninety-year old jazz pianist plays evergreens every Friday night. The guy played with Armstrong, and he still raises hell. I think we should go together next Friday”.
“A ten minute walk from where I live there’s a pizza joint that opened in the 1950s. This is the place that has set the standard for all the pizza restaurants in NYC. Let’s have a slice there together”
Have a list of things like that ready. It should be close to where you live.
Next step: begin to frequent these places, and make friends with all the staff. Talk to them as an equal, befriend them—men and women equally; tip them well. Make them recognize you every time you show up, make sure they know you by name. Talk to them about whatever they like to talk about–football, politics, “Lord of the Rings”—whatever their bliss might be. Just get them talking and be engaged in the topic.
This is not so much about becoming a “popular” guy, more like a friendly man who thinks of people as human beings, not just service functionaries. I suggest you behave this way wherever you go, not only in your prospective date venues.
So you do it for a few weeks and get to know them and they get to know you. Now when you meet a girl and get her number and talk to her—you ask her, “What’s your schedule like next week?” She tells you the schedule, then you tell her, “There’s a bar a few blocks away from where I live that has huge fake Rembrandt paintings all over the walls. I’d like to share it with you, and I think you might find the experience unforgettable. Drinks are great, and far from fake”,—or whatever is the real selling point of the place that you want to invite her to.
She says, “Sure”, or “Why not?”
You say, “How does six in the evening work for you?”
She says, “Let’s make it eight”.
Dimitri Vorontzov – Dark Courtship Activating the Contact
Call right away. Literally. That’s what I do. The moment after a woman has given me her phone number, I call her. Then I talk to her on the phone about whatever we’d been talking about half a minute earlier. She and I stand in front of each other, gazing into each other’s eyes and we talk on the phone. This immediately becomes our game. I may even repeat it a few times: “Wait, before I answer your question, I must make one important phone call”. I call her, of course. I may even involve her in role-playing, making her impersonate my lawyer, or advisor, or my private dating guru, or whoever.
One of the secret reasons why a woman sometimes may not want to pick up the phone when a man, she just met calls her, is because a phone call is an abstraction. There’s no real human being, it’s just a little box making sounds. The face-to-face phone conversation makes an important connection in her mind: it associates the phone call with the idea of fun and a close-up image of my face. Suddenly the phone call becomes very personal.
I like the poetry of this: speaking on the phone, face to face, feels like being in a French New Wave movie.
This tactic makes it easier for a girl to pick up the phone when I call her than not to. Human beings tend to choose to do what is the easiest.
Dimitri Vorontzov – Dark Courtship The First Kiss
Let’s take a look at a few different ways to initiate a kiss.
These are direct tactics:
“I’d like to kiss you right now”.
“I’d like you to kiss me right now”.
“I keep thinking when would be a good time to kiss you”.
“I can’t help thinking of what’s it like to be kissed by you”.
“You should kiss me now”.
“We should kiss in front of all your friends and see how they react”.
“We should go over there and make out”.
“You look really kissable. But we can’t kiss in front of all these people”.
The direct approach to initiate kissing is incredibly easy, provided you have done everything else correctly before it’s time to kiss.
The indirect ways to initiate kissing are often more playful.
Here are a few variations on the famous “close your eyes” routine, accredited to Jack T. Colton of “Romancing the Stone” fame.
“Close your eyes!”—she does, you kiss her.
“Close your eyes”—“Why?”—“Because I want to kiss you!”—“Oh, okay!”—she does, you kiss her.
“Close your eyes”—“Why?”—“Because I want to kiss you”–“No!”—“Okay, then I’ll kiss you with your eyes open!”—“Hahaha!” (you kiss her.)
Or here’s another indirect one: “Lean closer, I want to tell you a secret!” She does, you kiss her. (Credit: Jesse, in “Before Sunrise”.)
A few more:
“Pout your lips a little, like this”. (She does. You kiss her.)
“Tilt your head a little to the left and close your eyes”.
When a woman is telling me some interesting story, I suddenly interrupt her by saying, “Shut up!” (Gently) She stops talking and stares at me. I then kiss her.
If you touch a girl properly, you may get to the point when your hand rests on the back of her neck in a gentle but dominant way. You may want to experiment with this: take a gentle hold of her hair and pull her head back and lean toward her face, staring into her eyes so that she can see that you are going to kiss her. So far this appears direct but it’s not. After a short pause you heave a sigh and say, “Not now”. She exhales with relief and disappointment (mixed in equal proportion), and that’s when you kiss her.
The best and the most underappreciated time for a kiss is the awkward pause.
Play with distance: as she talks and you listen, move a little away from her and then come back in closer. Make her feel comfortable with your physical closeness. Then wait for the first awkward pause—or create it by saying something serious.
Then go for a kiss.
Courtship is very much like a tennis game. I make my move, the next move is hers; and my move prepares her next move while hers prepares mine. Without my move, hers is not likely to happen (such is our social conditioning) There are two possible scenarios here: either I make a move; she makes hers; I make mine; etc.—or I make a move, she drops the ball—I leave the game and find a better tennis partner.
I am ashamed to admit that this is a recent realization. I mistakenly used to think that as a seducer I had to blast through any resistance, with style and panache, and prove to my clients that we can get anyone to give us attention. Something bothered me about this attitude for quite some time. I had to stop doing that so I could see what might needed changing.
And eventually I came to realize that my job is to do something to help a woman make her move. If she doesn’t, well tough luck! I’ll go find someone else to talk to. Anything beyond that is needy.
As soon as I got that, my performance as the courtship instructor improved by about five hundred percent.
If I don’t make a move, I can’t expect a woman to reciprocate. And if I make a lousy move (a net ball), I can’t expect her to reciprocate either.
The problem with a lot of would-be-seducers is that they think they have made the move but a girl doesn’t feel as if she has received anything.
Let me illustrate. Compare these two questions:
“What’s your passion?” and “How many roommates do you live with?”
Which one do you think is easier to answer? The latter one of course! But which one has more immediate relevancy in terms of seduction?
You’re probably tempted to pick the first one, as it seems to be a very personal question requiring a commitment from a woman—and if you think that, you are quite wrong.
The female notion to courtship is very practical. Women, also, tend to recognize and respect a practical attitude toward courtship from men. “How many roommates do you live with?” This is a practical question that comes from the mindset of a man who wants to take a girl to her place and wants to know what he should expect there. “What’s your passion?” comes from a guy whose idea of what’s possible doesn’t stretch beyond holding hands with a girl and talking about accounting. Which one is more likely to attract a woman? (Okay, I admit, there are men out there who can make accounting work as a seductive conversational topic.)
Courtship is often about helping a woman to make the move on you, it’s about doing something that would help her to reciprocate.
I tell her a story not so much for the sake of self-expression but so that I can get her talking; I make a statement that would help her to make her statement or the one that would prompt her to ask me a question; or I ask a question that helps her to tell me something very relevant to the purpose of our mutual seduction.
“How many roommates do you live with?”
“None. I live alone.”—that’s her move; it’s very practical, advances our interaction way ahead, and we both understand what is taking place between us. We have just bypassed all the bullshit talk.
Here’s another situation:
“How many roommates do you have?”
“Why do you want to know?”—that’s also her move, only in this case she wants to be reassured that I’m a safe guy to be around; or she wants to flirt a little. I smile, make eye contact, and say, “Use your imagination”. My smile and eye contact help her to feel that I am her friend.
To expand our tennis analogy a little, in the beginning of the tennis match with the new partner I don’t know how well that partner can play. What I do know though is that I play reasonably well, and don’t waste my time on picking up the serves I’ve dropped. So I make it easy on my new partner, I help her to warm up, and only gradually, eventually give her increasingly harder serves. Where it’s different from tennis is that the fun of interaction is not in making her drop the ball and lose the match, but in keeping the ball in the air. So when I know that she can return tougher serves, the game becomes more fun.
I help a woman to warm up to her best playing ability by asking specific, well-chosen questions.
Luckily, you do not have to reinvent the wheel, because I am going to share these questions with you: further in this book you will find a lot of material about the art of asking questions.
Dimitri Vorontzov – Dark Courtship Statement of Emotional Feedback
The strongest verbal compliment a woman can receive from a man in the course of the continuous courtship, also known as “relationship“ consists of these three words:
“I love you”.
Unfortunately, men and women mean different things when they say “I love you”.
For a man, more often than not, the three words of “I love you” spell death (or, to be more exact, permanent commitment and full responsibility “till death do us part”—which to many guys is about the same.) It conveys the horror of marriage, pregnancy, mortgage, and college tuition for five kids. Men often think that “I love you”, once said, will come back to haunt them forever. Men also tend to use this justification for not saying those words: “I would honestly say it to a woman if I truly loved her… but I have yet met such a woman”.
Women have a different attitude toward an “I love you”. For a woman it means, “I feel loving toward you now”. It doesn’t protect you from getting her “I hate you” within the next ten minutes, or so, if she happens to change her mind—but then later she will say “I love you” again. Remember the attraction switch-box?
A woman will see the same in your words if you say “I love you”. She is not going to come back to you ten years later and say, “Hey asshole! Remember you told me ten years ago that you loved me? It’s time to pay for your words now”.
Do say “I love you” to a woman. Hearing these words will make her feel so good! They will validate her existence, because a woman’s job in her life on Earth is to be loved. When she feels loved, emotionally she is in the right place.
In a relationship, say “I love you” whenever you feel it.
“I love you” doesn’t have to be deserved. You do not have to justify saying that. You do not have to be “in love” with her to say it. “In love” is overrated, anyway. Love and “in love” are two different things. “In love” is the hormonal storm in your brain. “I love you” are the words said by a mature man who gives his woman his encouragement and support.
Say “I love you” when you want your woman to feel really good.
On the other hand, if you are not yet in a relationship with a woman, saying “I love you” might be a little too early (unless you make it sound a little “not for real”.)
You can take it a notch down, and say, “I like you”.
It is similar to “I love you”, because it also is a compliment to her entire self—body and soul. It’s a more low key, of course.
Do not be too eager to throw round the “I like you” in a short period of time, or the law of diminishing returns will kick in. I suggest that you should say “I like you” a couple of times during a pickup interaction.
“Love” and “like” are not the only two emotions a human being can feel.
Take a look:
“I respect you”.
“I admire you”.
“I worship you”.
“I desire you”.
“I miss you”.
As you can see, the structure here is this:
“I [positive emotion] you”.
As I’ve mentioned, when we say “I like you” (or you may replace “like” with other positive emotions), we compliment a woman’s entire personality.
We may take it one more notch down and at the same time make the compliment even more specific by approving just one particular trait of her character.
The structure in that case is:
I [positive emotion] your [character trait].
“I respect your open-minded attitude”.
“I am impressed by your self-discipline”.
“I am humbled by how fit you are”.
“I dig your ability to wrap your legs around your neck”.
62. Name Improvisations
Sex is dream world. Courtship is foreplay. If you want to understand courtship, observe how the dreams work. There is no logic in dreams. Strange, irrational stuff happens all the time. Things that are important in real life lose their meaning; people imagine themselves with someone else while having sex with their lovers; imagine implausible situations, time shrinks and pulsates; emotions of anger and bonding intertwine. Plunge a woman into the realm of imagination, which is the shortcut to sexual fantasies and the shortcut to becoming her lover.
A woman’s name is as good an imagination trigger as any.
Let me show you a few openings in the instant seduction style, where I improvise around a woman’s name.
It requires a little boldness, but works like magic.
“What is your name?”
“Do you know what your name means?”
“I might be wrong here but I think it means “the house of God”… and somehow I feel that the name fits you…”
“De nada. I can’t help immediately imagining you wearing a victorian gown on a stormy autumn day on a seashore covered with razor-sharp rocks… breakers are rolling across it… gusts of wind are trying to tear the umbrella out of your hands…”
“What’s your name?”
“What’s wrong with being called Jennifer?”
“Nothing. But when I hear that name I think of Jennifer Cavillery who is the female lead in “Love Story”… Now do not go all mushy on me here because she dies in the end… but she has a lot of fun in the beginning…”
“What’s your name?”
“Yeah I know… I’ve been teased about it a lot”.
“Actually I wasn’t going to tease you… But now that you’ve mentioned it… Just kidding… I am Dimitri, so who am I to tease you about your name? And yet, I can’t help seeing you as a nun in a medieval monastery with such a heavenly name… only you are one of those naughty nuns who has discovered her feminine calling… so one night you sneak out of the dormitory to have a tryst with the young gardener… who tears off your nun’s habit… pins you against an ancient oak… and so on. Wow, your pupils have just widened!”
85. Instant Date Question
Questions are in the gray area of medium demand, which makes them relatively difficult to comply with, compared with commands and statements. But they are necessary. We have to learn how to ask questions well.
To whet your curiosity, I am first going to describe to you one very useful pickup tactic built around a simple question:
“What are your plans for later?”
There is a couple of reasons for asking that question:
1) You want to know how much time you have for this interaction, and therefore, what tactics you do and do not have time for, and what you would and would not be able to achieve during that interaction. For example if she leaves in ten minutes, you should throw a quick logistical obstacle, saying,“Well, it’s too bad you gotta be on your way, because I would love to discover more about you. How can we get in touch later?”
2) There’s also a training strategy behind that question, which I’m about to explain.
The question is known as “instant date question”.
This is how it works.
Let’s say, you have a free day, and you plan to dedicate it to going out and practicing your pickup skills—or simply drinking in a bar at night. You have already chosen the venue; you know where you are going to go tonight.
Now it’s about two in the afternoon, and you decide to practice your daytime interactions. You go out, meet a woman in a coffee shop, and a few minutes into the conversation you ask her, “By the way, what are your plans for tonight?”
Then one of a few things can happen. First scenario:
“What are your plans for tonight?”—“No plans, I’m just going home, reading a book and then going to sleep”.
Then you say: “No, you won’t because I have plans for you. (Sound important as you say that; it will make her laugh expectantly.) You continue, “Tonight my friends and I are going to have a very disorganized party at the rooftop bar in Gansevoort Hotel in the meatpacking district. You would be welcome to join us, if you’d like”. Then you deliver the familiar magic formula that usually seals the deal: “Bring as many friends as you want!”
She will or won’t bring her friends with her, but hearing this will let her know that you’re inviting her to a sociable environment where she will feel safe and have fun.
By the way, you are not really lying to her about that party. You are actually going to have a party—only it is indeed a very disorganized party, where everyone pays for their own drinks and no one knows each other before they walk up to each other and introduces themselves. That’s what bars are all about, aren’t they?
If you came to the bar alone, and a girl who shows up to meet you happens to ask, “Well, where are your friends you told me about?”, you may respond with, “Everyone here is my friend! Let’s go and meet people”.—and then you introduce her to any group. You may walk around the bar together, getting to know everyone.
In reality, after practicing your communication skills for only a few weeks, you’ll probably meet a few guys and gals who frequent that bar, and by that time they will have become your friends.
I usually have about a dozen people around me whenever I go out, so when I invite a new girl to join my party, it’s never a lie.
“What are your plans for tonight?”—“Actually, I am going to party with a few friends down in Pianos bar on the Lower East-side…”
After she says that, you say nothing, just stare at her for a moment —then smile. She will laugh in response, and will say, “Oh… sorry… you’re welcome to join us if you’d like”. Then you say, “Sure! What’s your number, in case I can’t find the place?”
Sometimes you look at her, she looks back, and says nothing. You hold the pause. She says, “What?” Then you say, “Well, I’ll take that as an invitation!” Then she will say, “Oh… sorry… sure, you’re welcome to join us!”
“What are your plans for tonight?”—“Oh… umm… hmm… I’m actually… having dinner with a friend… at a restaurant… it’s very important… I have to be there…”
This might be the truth, or she is trying to come up with a nice way of saying that she doesn’t feel like spending the evening with you. If the latter is the case, tough luck! Maybe it’s not, though. And anyway, you should remain a gentleman. So you say, “That’s too bad because I was about to invite you to a party. But since you’re busy tonight maybe we could hang out some other time. What’s the best way to get in touch with you?”
Be like water that flows around the obstacles and always finds the way.
Who knows, even if she didn’t like you before, she might begin to like you for being graciously persistent and different: a man who doesn’t give up and who is resourceful in courtship. Women like that.
So now it’s evening, and a woman you met a few hours ago shows up at the bar where you planned to go and practice. As soon as her foot is over the threshold, you are the host, and it’s a date. If you don’t screw up, it’s possible that you just got yourself a girlfriend. The same happens if you join her party.
On the other hand, if she doesn’t show up, and didn’t invite you to join her party—guess what?—she was only one of maybe fifteen or twenty women you approached during your daytime practice, and whenever interactions went well, you asked them “What are your plans for later?”. You’ve approached so many interesting women today, that at least two or three will show up, perhaps with their friends. You’ve just created the party you were telling them about!
Now, what happens if you invited fifteen girls to come meet you in that bar—and none showed up? Not a big deal, because there are dozens of women in the bar!
And whoever you approach in that bar, after a while you ask them, “What are your plans for later tonight?”
(And naturally, you’ve done your homework well, so you know a few even better bars and night clubs in the neighborhood, and invite them to come with you to another place that might be more fun.)
Do you recognize the life-changing power of one simple question?
102. My Least Favorite Question
“What’s your favorite… ” is about the worst way to begin a question.
Every time you ask the “favorite” question, you corner a woman with the useless task of categorizing and selecting. She will try to answer, she really will. Unfortunately, human beings are no good at categorizing and selecting. Computers, yes. Women, no. Her mind’s first initial reaction would be to try and pinpoint just one thing she likes best… then the categorizing part of her brain tells her, “no can do, I need a list first”.
The other part of her brain, responsible for itemization, comes up with two lists: a list of favorite things (usually it’s a list with five random things on top, something like this: “spinach ravioli”, “summer vacation”, “Harry Potter”, “my dad”, “Dior”, followed by the endless list in the shadow; the second list is the list of books she remembers reading in the last couple of weeks: “Why men love bad girls”, “Diet like a pro”, “Devil wears high heels”, etc.
The second list is obviously short. Her brain then runs one list by the other, nothing clicks, she is thinking feverishly, “damn it, I need to pick one now… which one to choose? Think… think… ah, to hell with it!” She opens her mouth, and out comes:
“I don’t know!”
Another second reason why I teach my students not to ask the “What’s your favorite” questions is because everyone else asks them. It’s a cliché question.
Asking a cliché question automatically places you in a woman’s mind with “everyone”. Believe it or not, a woman never sleeps with just “everyone” simply because she wouldn’t have the time, so she has to limit her romantic life to with “someone special”. So if a man becomes part of “everyone” for her, she won’t sleep with him, either.
The biggest mistake about questions is a widespread presumption that a question must get an answer.
Nothing can be further from the truth.
Yes, some questions are meant for “extracting information” – and yet it’s just one out of many purposes for a question, and by far the least important one in a courtship conversation (as opposed to police interrogation).
A few real purposes:
1) To plant a certain idea or notion in her mind;
2) To make a demand;
3) To reinforce rapport;
4) To gain power;
5) To make her feel good;
6) To get her talking.
Let’s focus on the “get her talking” bit.
I’ve mentioned a guy I know who enjoys asking women tough questions (”What’s your favorite thing about… life?”) and then to stare them down in the hope of scaring the answer out of them. Unfortunately, that guy spends a lot of his active conversational time hearing “I don’t know”.
Even if an exceptionally polite and quick-thinking woman came up with, “Going on vacation” as the answer to the pointless question, her answer lasted about a second. That man then inevitably continued with, “Vacation… that’s cool… What’s your favorite thing about vacations?”—“I don’t know”.
If you absolutely must make her select and categorize, I would recommend to ask the “favorite” question differently.
Instead of asking “What’s your favorite band?”—
“What bands do you consider the best?”
By making it plural—“bands”—I save her from feeling that she has been cornered with a question. In general, questions with plurals are easier to answer than the ones with singulars.
Ask the question in a way that presumes she is an expert on the topic; “you consider the best” conveys respect to her knowledge, makes it sound as if she were a professional musicologist.
She would feel compelled not to disappoint you and comply to a request that presumes that I respect her knowledge. You can follow up her answer with positive emotional feedback on her sophisticated taste in music.
I should tell you though, that I would probably ask that kind of question only later, when I am certain of a very real connection between me and the woman I speak with. I think questions like that should be saved for a “Day Two”.
115. Blocking the Boring
I usually get “where are you from?” response after I say “hello”. I begin to suspect this might have something to do with my barbaric “European” accent.
And yet somehow I am certain that even if your ancestors came to America on the Mayflower, you’ve been asked where you are from or where you live or what do you do for work hundreds of times, by perfect strangers. It usually happens within the first few minutes of any conversation. New Yorkers get asked how do they like living in New York, Bostonians get asked about the Red Sox, people from Main get asked about lobsters, and so on, the list is endless—and boring.
I like to block boring questions that come from my conversation partners. I block them for a couple of reasons. First of all, blocking “the offers” can be fun. It goes against the rules of improvisation established by the great theater guru Keith Johnstone, but I like breaking rules. I find “blocking topics” a useful conversation tactic because it’s one of the easy ways to challenge my conversation partner. Additionally, blocking an offer is simply one way to respond to an offer and that can be quite creative.
SHE: “What do you like about living in New York?”
I: “Oh come on, we deserve better than that… Let’s cut the boring small talk. We’re in a bar! Let’s talk about our respective romantic lives instead!”
Of course, another reason for blocking boring topics is simply because they are boring. You might have noticed from the example above that I do not leave the conversation hanging in the air. I immediately make a counter-offer.
It’s presumed that attractive women are naturally smart, subtle, sophisticated and spectacular in bed, and most importantly, great conversationalists by definition. The latter is not true! Courtship interactions fall flat sometimes simply because the women involved in them, no matter how attractive and even intelligent, don’t know how to maintain a conversation; she might be an introvert and have little conversation experience and no idea on how to talk to you or what to talk about! She might even feel shy in your presence! (Women, too, feel shy sometimes).
As a gentleman, you should help a woman if such predicament should it occur: steer her away from potentially disastrous empty topic and offer a better topic instead.
You will find a detailed chapter on conversational topics further in this book.
126. Skip Relating
If a man repeats the same verbal structure patterns too regularly, the conversation becomes robotic, and to a woman it feels as if he is trying to do something odd, something “special”.
Your verbal structures should not be organized as “question statement question statement question statement”. A more random structure would be much more preferable: “command statement address exclamation command question statement address command question”.
Unfortunately, becoming entangled in a net of any “simple conversation technique” is a very real threat for a lot of men who have taken some sort of courtship training. Some such “simple conversation techniques” have the potential for turning quickly into bad habits.
The technique of “relating” can serve as a decent case to the point.
Here’s a bit of a conversation in a style that I have heard too many times to not notice:
SHE: “I work as a hostess, but I’m thinking about starting my own business or going back to the corporate world”.
HE: “I think you should start your own business, because when I started my own business, I felt really happy, and for a little while things went so-so, and I felt frustrated about it, but then things went uphill, and that made me feel proud”.
SHE: “I’m happy for you”. (Fades away).
Let’s now rewind and see how that could be done differently.
SHE: “I work as a hostess, but I’m thinking about starting my own business or going back to the corporate world”.
HE: “Look, I’m here to have fun, I don’t want to talk about jobs. Let’s talk about sex, drugs or rock-n-roll. Which one would you pick?”
SHE: “I work as a hostess, but I’m thinking about starting my own business or going back to the corporate world”.
HE: “Bullshit. You should go to Hollywood, live in a trailer, and pursue your secret dream of becoming an x-rated movie star. In some of the scenes of these films you could even be cast in the role of a tough corporate doll with a heart of gold”.
HE: “I am intrigued with your ability to brag about a non-existent future. Let’s talk about the present for now, though. What’s your dating life like these days?”—
—and so on.
The attempts to relate to whatever a woman might be saying are fake, they come from a weak inexperienced mind on a quest for cheap commonalities. Do not try to relate at any cost and do not turn relating into an automatic habit. Do not look for what you and a woman you are talking to might have in common. Look for things that make the two of you different from each other.
142. Night-Game Approach Invitations
In bars and clubs it is considered normal to be approached by strangers and to approach strangers. If you come to a bar and have fun and “relax into it”, at some point a woman will inevitably start a conversation with you. Only a failure to relax and have fun can prevent that. Sometimes women approach men in bars but won’t start talking. In such cases you have to make a minimal effort and take the initiative to start the conversation. Some women will start talking to you, others will just hover around and wait for you to say something, others will give you “the look” expecting you to approach.
The important inner skill a man must have for successful bar and night club courtship has two sides to it:
1) Recognize the situations when women want to be approached;
2) React to such situations.
It’s also useful to be able to interpret a woman’s behavior as an invitation to communicate, even if she didn’t have that in mind consciously. For example, when a woman makes accidental eye contact, it’s okay to smile, walk up to her and say, “Hey, you just checked me out!” (”Haha! No, I wasn’t checking you out!”—“Okay. I believe you! What’s your name?”—etc.)
It’s good to help a woman invite you over to her. Make eye contact and do a cheers to her with your glass—she will salute back because it’s the easiest way for her to be polite and sociable—and from that moment on the two of you are no longer strangers. Just interpret her gesture as an invitation and go up to her and talk.
Here’s another option. Imagine a girl on the other side of the bar from you. She doesn’t see you yet, but she’s slowly turning her head, scanning the room. As she does that, she makes passing eye contact with you. After a bit of practice you can train yourself to catch such passing eye contact and at exactly the same moment make your face express a silent question (“Yes? May I help you?” an expression that presumes that she is purposely making eye contact with you). Women will usually mirror that expression back to you and then smile. After the walk up to her: “Yes?”—“Yes what?”—“Oh… Sorry… I could swear you looked like you wanted to ask me something”.—(Smile) “No I didn’t”.—“Thank god, because I probably wouldn’t be able to answer anyway… I am not very knowledgeable. For example, I don’t know your name… yet”.
154. Create Love at First Sight
I used to go to bars by myself simply to practice interacting with women. These days it never happens: I usually have a group of guys hanging around me, at all times, and a group of girls that start to hang around me and those guys a few minutes after we set foot in the bar. Sometimes into this fun, a girl or a couple of girls walk by, we make a fleeting eye contact—and then the girls walk on. Then one of them turns around, and makes a beeline toward me and asks a silly question just to start up a conversation: “Are you Irish?”, etc.
Later the guys tell me, “Oh, that was a “fool’s mate”, she was just into you” —and I would agree—except it seems to happen too regularly to just be a “fool’s mate”. It’s not a coincidence because there might be about five hundred guys at that bar and many of them are younger and better-looking than yours truly – but something makes those girls turn 180 degrees and come back.
So next time it happened, I caught myself doing something “special”—and that’s how I figured out the secret to love at first sight.
I am going to teach you that secret now!
When I laugh or smile, and unexpectedly make eye contact with a girl who laughs or smiles back as she walks by—if I like that girl, my smile fades. My face becomes serious, it might even look tragic. A girl usually slows down a little, and her smile fades a little, too. Then she begins to walk away. She stops. Turns around, comes up to me and asks, “What you’re drinking… is it a Martini?”
Watch a dozen different “Romeo and Juliet” movies and you’ll see that in all of them when Romeo and Juliet meet for the first time, they both switch their expressions from “cheerful” to “tragic” in a matter of seconds.